Saying "goodbye" is the hardest lesson

Severing ties with your best friend, whether it’s mutual or one-sided, is not an easy task. In fact, it’s one of the top three most challenging things I’ve gone through this year. There are parts of ourselves that we never reveal to anyone as it’s something only meant for, well, us. Whether it’s unspoken feelings or spoken, friendships will inevitably go through challenges, struggles, and trials.

I still consider those two years of friendship the best I’ve had maybe ever as it was genuine or at least seemed to be. Either way, it served me well. What makes something like this so special is the fact that I’m not mad. Yes, I’m sad and probably will always have a soft spot for my friend as we all do, but in a way, it’s liberating.

There is freedom within/There is freedom without/Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup

There’s no fear in a friendship until feelings develop on one side. Pretending to be one way has gotten me so far in life, but at the time, it seemed right to only unleash those thoughts, the thoughts I’d hidden deep for months. These feelings weren’t lust, or purely physical which was scary. These feelings were very real and remain a constant reminder of what almost was or could’ve been.

After confessing my long-hidden feelings to my best friend, I lost her. And this wasn’t one of those situations where forgiveness swoops in at the end, or we catch each other a month later, remembering we’re two idiots trying to make it in the world. This pain was very real on both sides, and perhaps maybe that’s what fate had in store for us.

They come, they come/To build a wall between us/We know they won't win

I thought maybe this was something new to being bisexual, that I would simply stumble upon another female friend, and things would pick up again. This did not happen. Something was different this time, as if everything I’d put my foundation in had collapsed on top of me. My sandcastle had been swept away by merciless currents, and what I once thought was mine was torn away from me.

Almost a year ago, my best friend told me she wanted zero contact with me ever again. The personal stories, car rides, and nights of heavy drinking are all gone. I’ll be the first to say it’s best to sweep all of this under the rug, leave the mess for someone else to clean up, but this time, I can’t.

When she had gone through the number of idiot guys, I was genuinely happy for her. Although my hope was low, I’d wished her the best and hoped they would be different from the last one. But then another came, and another, and another, never changing the outcome. But yet I was there, the first in line waiting to hear what had happened the previous night.

Now I'm walking again/To the beat of a drum/And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart

Months afterward, I’m still recovering, probably in a different headspace than my counterpart. She could move me in a way nobody else could for better or worse. This all is confusing for me and probably for the reader too. But after months of scratching my head, I find this to be the last page of this long chapter.

There were times when I was certain I was leaving the past behind. It’s a gradual process, leaving something so significant behind. There will never be another you, and knowing that is what digs deep.

I hope that she remembers the best I had to offer wherever she is. I wasn’t one of the bad guys but one of the good guys hiding in wait, not for your embrace or returned love, but for the next best thing.

Lying was what kept me so close to you, and if it weren’t for me confiding in you, you’d still be unknowing. In that respect, you’re free now. The thing is, we’re both still two idiots trying to make it in the world. Only this time, separated, one wondering where the other is at this very moment.